Saturday, February 11, 2017

Done

I believe everything is starting to make some sense. But that doesn't make change easy.
I've struggled with will-power for some time now. A part of me just feels broken and simply doesn't care anymore. Which is horrible. I don't want to remain this way.
How do I remind my WILL what I am fighting for? Mind over matter is so easy to say but not easy to actually do. Especially when the old good habits have been in hibernation for so long.
One thing triggered a wake up moment today. A post on Facebook about Huntington's, the disease. It said it is like having ALS, Alsheimer's, and Parkinson's simultaneously. Which is pretty chilling. Well, it's not something I talk much about but Huntington's runs in my family on my side. And I was reminded that that used to be one of the things that fueled my pursuit of healthy living. I don't know what the future holds but I want a fighting chance (like kick in the balls fighting) to live a long, full, healthy life no matter what exists in my family history. I want strength. I want balance. I want to defeat sickness and to thrive. And ignoring this doesn't make it go away, whether it manifests itself in me or not. Watching my Dad struggle with it is enough. I pray there will be a cure in my life time. But until that is discovered, I have to BE the cure. And to do that, I have to make healthy habits again. Enough is enough.
The military has robbed me of my husband and my kids' father; it has robbed me of my sanity and my will to keep going or even care about myself (true story, as sad as it is). It has limited me...while also helping me to grow, to fight back and not accept a future set in front of me. It will no longer rob me of my future of things it took in my past. I will not let this break my will any more.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

That's FAIRY Godmother, to you!

I became a godmother.
I became Catholic! But that's a much longer post. Yesterday, my sweet goddaughter Eibhlin Tierney (ev-lynn) was born at 8lb 11.9oz and 19 3/4 inches long to my sweet friend Susan and husband Scott.
I'm absolutely smitten!! She is perfect and I'm thrilled to be her godmother and can't keep from smiling. I found out good friends had their daughter on the same day; I am glad these girls will share a birthday, even if just for my joy in knowing and seeing the connection.
So a lot has changed. Or more...grown. Shifted. Deepened. I began a personal journey a year or so ago. I can't explain it other than the gentle guidance of God. And I'll tell more another time. But I've learned that a lot is not what it seems or what is popular opinion concerning the Catholic faith/church. And whatever you may have been raised thinking, I have found something here that my soul needs. I'm grateful for it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

SLEEP

I wrote this whole blog post. And it vanished. The gist of it was I'm being held hostage by a 2 year old. Their sleep schedule is all messed up from moving and she won't go to sleep unless you wait in her room for her to fall asleep. Up until a week ago, she was still waking up 3 times a night (before we moved, she was an amazing sleeper and practically put herself to bed) and often times, John would just sleep in their room (which I told him to STOP DOING UNLESS HE NEVER WANTS TO LEAVE THEIR ROOM AGAIN).
Then the other day while looking for something in their closet, Sabine saw the base for her old cool mist humidifier and cried happily, "Nigh-nigh!" I took that as a cue for action and put it to work that night. I use a sound machine anyway but I guess that machine's sound, even without the top, is comforting to her. I was amazed she even remembered what it was! So that has reduced the nightly wake-ups to once a night...which is great in my book after it being so bad. But you still have to wait for her to fall asleep. And tonight she has the wiggles. P and her now share a room so P has had to suffer through the wakefulness.
I am coming down with a cold. But despite not feeling great, I'm excited. I am pushing forward with stuff in Premier. I'm grasping for anything I can and am excited with new developments in the company (like Facebook parties counting as real in-person parties??? Whaaaaat???)! I want to succeed and feel like God keeps leading me to this. I pray I can be bold even when I'm terrified.
Yesterday, I met the manager of the local Starbucks I'm hoping to work part-time at.
Today, Sabine had her first morning of no tears at preschool drop off!
Tomorrow, I'm taking P on a date to see a movie. I remember I saw the Little Mermaid when I was 4 and was absolutely enchanted. I'm taking her to see the newest Disney movie so hopefully it's good and we have a nice date together.
Things are coming together, I think, kind of!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Crash and Burn

What a day.
What. A. Day.
So...living situation update. Still no mailbox key. But they replaced our dishwasher today (someone delivered it yesterday but announced they weren't paid to install it so we had to crack the whip on our rental company) and fixed some leaks. I am thankful I grew up overseas. I am definitely less used to living primitively now. But when it comes down to it, I can do it and it doesn't phase me too much. But there's definitely something frustrating about knowing you have a dishwasher that you can't use yet and sinks you can't use because of the seals drying.
Emotionally, today ended a mess. I've been a mess for awhile but it all kind of hit a wall. Before I knew what was happening, I was crying alone in a corner. And I'm angry. And sad. And overwhelmed. And not myself.
My wonderful mom encouraged me and basically told me I MUST go take an art class. So there. And I should. I just wish there weren't so many things, so many elements to moving. So much to still unpack and figure out just to survive. Things to safeguard so the girls are safe/kept out of them, things to organize. But the biggest thing is delegation. I feel like I'm doing everything. There seems to be a lot of expectation of me and then some more and more and more and quite frankly...I can't do it all. If I were going to try to attempt that, why don't we just go back to doing the deployment thing. I know how to crash and burn at that real well. I don't need a new arena of crash and burn, thank you very much. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my title. Boom.
There is no such thing as a completely new beginning. You've changed. So even when you "begin" in a new scene, you can't reset yourself to who you used to be. You can't reboot. You must proceed from wherever you were and continue on. And that's the struggle. I am continuing on but the brutal change to a new lifestyle almost gives me the hint of reboot...but then I'm left with all the questions I can't answer.
What was the past 8 years for?
Why did we have to go through so much separation hell?
How do you "move on" when it feels like the years have been sucked out of you (hello, Man with 6 Fingers from the Princess Bride)?
When will I feel myself again and what is necessary to get there?
I'm angry at myself and others. I feel cheated of time and of intimacy. And I don't feel heard. At all. I feel like I'm screaming into this empty room. It echoes like hell but no one else is around. Nobody is listening no matter how many times I explain myself. Especially those who need to hear it.
I realize this all sounds like a big pity party. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just another one of those moments where...I need to be creating but I don't have the time or set up yet. So here I am, writing. And it's been a rough day. What a day.
You know something is wrong when the day gets easier when you just pretend you're going through a deployment again.
And yet...I'm here. I'm alive. I do HAVE a new beginning, whether or not it's chaotic and stressful and hectic and overwhelming. I'm watching some of the crazy amazing women in my Premier family in videos, doing trainings to help everyone grow. And somehow that makes me feel a little better and feel more motivated to work toward tomorrow. A tomorrow with less tears, hopefully!

Live Blog Ramblings

Okay. I am doing my first live blog. And I am multitasking between driving, picking up my children, and doing audio-to-text blogging or whatever you call it. This is either a genius idea, severely stupid and foolish, or a way to grow in character and multitasking. I'm finally starting to feel secure enough to drive without google maps directing me to preschool so I'm going to give it a whirl and see how it goes which could be very interesting since I'm narrating my trip at the same time.
I don't know how much I've talked about Premier Designs in this blog because the past couple of years have been pretty quiet but I'll summarize by saying this: in the beginning, Premier Designs was never going to be a big thing. I had huge doubts from the get-go and really thought that the whole idea of working from home and staying at home with my kids was just kind of impossible but I let myself hope and God directed me to Premier and here I am today. I've been in for almost 2 years and I just attended our Regional Rally and got to see the brand new jewelry live which was amazing (not to mention all the encouragement and training). I don't even know what else to say about it other than it has become so much more than a way to bring in some income. It's become a way to make friends. It's become a way to grow as a person. It's become a way to get out of my comfort zone. And to challenge myself. It's become a way to give back and to reach out to people and to truly listen to peoples' stories and try to break into their shell and figure out what exactly is going on and how I can help, even if it's just being a listening ear. I don't really know what's going to happen from this but I know that God directed me to it and every time I think about quitting, he directs me back to it. It's definitely not easy doing direct sales but Premier makes it do-able in a way that so many other companies are at a disadvantage. I doubt myself everyday and wonder every day, who am I kidding and I wonder just how I do this, how can I be successful at this when I'm scared to death at times. But every time, something happens that shows me that God is in this. Really, that's the difference right there; God is in this. God is in this company because it was based on biblical principles and on honoring God and helping people and at the end of the day, it's not about me.
If I can do it with a brand new baby and an almost three-year-old with my husband gone on multiple trainings as well as deployment then anyone can do it and I know so many people who have so many children and are fostering more children and have so many difficult things happening in their lives; death, sickness, cancer, financial turmoil...the list goes on. But those shouldn't be reasons that you don't do Premier. They should be reasons you DO do Premier because it actually can make the difference. The only difference between those people and you is not making excuses and those women don't make excuses for the things going on in their lives. They use them as their why and their reason to keep pushing and to do Premier. Because I know that Premier can provide and that God has used Premier as such an amazing vehicle to not only change their lives but change people around them and provide them with a platform to touch others' live. As terrified as I am of being open and unafraid and just vulnerable, I'm ready to stop and actually get out there, make a difference and be daring and my word for this year (I'm not one of those people that makes a word for every year because I just don't really have time for that but the word that just kept coming up when I was thinking about what I wanted seeing this year...) is purpose. I like to make New Year's resolutions. I do them realistically. It's not like I want to be rich and famous; they are actual things that I want to change in my life. Some of them were very specific because you know it's so easy to be like, exercise more, and then you get to a year later and you're like, well I did exercise more but not that much...so I think being specific is really important. I want this year to have purpose and what I'm doing to have purpose. I don't want to waste time on Facebook; I would much rather record live blogs that no one listens to or reads because it actually gives me a creative outlet and I'm actually better because of it, as silly as that seems. I want to be diligent with my time and actually we putting time towards my kids and my husband and other people and not just wasting time on Facebook or wasting time drooling on my desk wasting time doing whatever. I don't have time for that. I'm 31 years old. And I am thankful that I feel as good about being in my thirties as I do. I feel better in my thirties than I felt in my twenties about myself in general but we're not done growing, baby. We've got lots of room to grow so this is going to be the year of purpose where things are intentional, time is not wasted, energy is not wasted and I pour myself into others and not just hide behind my own door, so yeah! That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm almost to the kids' preschool and today was really my first day solo without them which was kind of fabulous and I am just motivated. I'm really nervous about what I need to do but excited at the same time to see what God's going to do with me and what he's going to do with Premier and with our life here. It's a whole different animal so until next time, my dear readers and listeners...stalkers.
Until next time.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Nugget

My little nugget is turning two. I'm kind of in denial. I keep thinking January 4th is weeks away. And then it's suddenly tomorrow. It makes me happy and very sad. She seems older and still just a baby all at once.
A day in the life of Sabine:
She is big for her age and super long so clothes that P is just now outgrowing are going straight to her. She refuses to speak English. She says a handful of words and the rest is uh, meh, oh, meeee, and eh...all of which have very specific meanings. All cats (or animals) are de-georgie. She once said kitty and then I guess she figured it would be easier to call them all after her cat. She enjoys riding her cats and giving them tightly gripped hugs.
For not saying much, she still babbles a lot (think full conversations without consonants) and she understands a ton. She is extremely rhythm and musically minded. She even pretends to lip-sync. She screams a lot right now. When she doesn't want to give something up, when something is taken from her, when Sissy is looking at her by accident...the usual.
She is extremely affectionate and will give you cuddles and snuggles most of the time when asked and often simply NEEDS to be cuddled with her binky. You will also find your rear end being on the receiving end of a hug or your leg getting a little unprompted kiss.
She enjoys coloring ie removing the caps of pens and eating them.
She believes scrunching her shoulders, tip-toeing, and squinting will make her invisible and you won't notice she's going to where you just told her not to go. She's strong-willed and has no concept of listening or obeying. At this age, I could get P to stop and wait (like not running into the street) but not this little one. She enjoys doing things HER way and HERSELF.
She LOVES chapstick. If there is chapstick in the vicinity, she will find the owner and will smack her lips at them intently and impatiently until she is offered it.
She's very tender-hearted with an adventurous spirit; she has always been much further ahead physically than P was at this age. I can already tell she snaps back from falls and tumbles but she's always sure to come and point out her boo-boo to you in her unconsonant babble. She fell and cut her lip open (and tore her lip tie!) during a stop on the road trip and as soon as she saw John, she had to point to her lip repeatedly so he knew something happened.
She currently has an aversion to some stuffed toys; she thinks they're real and they freak her out.
Happy Birthday, Little One. You still remain a balm on my heart as when you were first born. Even on the most difficult days (like today!) I am so lucky to be your Mommy and love every time you say my name and want to plop down in my lap. I can't wait to see what you will become...and what you'll say when you get going with talking!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Echoes and Hesitation

Reading through old posts feels like a glimpse into a different life. That's what I get for not writing on a regular basis for so long. I was telling my mom for my first few years, this blog was well into the 200's or 300's for the number of posts. It's hard to believe so much has changed. There was a time when I sent John a letter every single day he was deployed. Every. Day. A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER. That seems like crazy talk now. But I guess it shouldn't. Everything ebbs and flows.
I feel like this new year has me slightly caught off guard. The spot light is on the stage and I just can't seem to do anything with myself. This past month flew by and I barely feel like we had a Christmas. Keeping the tree up just seems right. But my list of resolutions/aspirations/goals is made and growing and it makes me hopeful. I know change can and will happen. And has! I seek purpose and I will find it. God directed us here. Now I will find how God will use me in this place. But I must act.
I haven't cared about myself in so long. It's time. It's time to stop the emotional/mindless eating and get back to self-control and diligence and actually caring about myself and how I feel. I got so motivated by this amazing group called Birthfit.com which I'll go into more detail about later but...they're amazing and everyone who has ever had a baby should read up on them. DO IT NOW.
There's sooooooo much to say. But it's almost midnight. And I promised myself, exhausted or not, I'm getting up at 6am. So...later!

Progress so far:

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Who, Me?

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There is much to explain about me. But simply...I am very mysterious, don't fit in a box, and enjoy being confusing and different. I grew up in China which has shaped who I am. I love art, culture, passion, and God. I'm the proud wife of a former Marine, have been through 4 deployments in 7 years, and we are now unsteadily adjusting to civilian life after spending over 1/3 of our marriage apart. Bye bye, Marine Corps! It's been real! We have 2 silly little girls who are a hoot and a half: P who is 4 and S who is 2. I enjoy writing, drawing, painting, and creating. In fact, without these things, I'm pretty sure I'd go nuts. On top of everything, I am a jeweler with Premier Designs. This is my space.